Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Falling Thoughts

While I was falling off of my roof I was completely conscious.   That's a really good thing because I think that's what kept my head up and avoided a head injury. But it's bad because I remember every second and millisecond.  I remember in mid-flight being so astonished that this thing had happened.  I also realized at that moment that this probably wouldn't end well.  The things that go through our minds are so detailed and rich that we could never, with our human abilities, be able to recall everything but I remember sights and sounds pretty vividly right now.

I'm 58 years old and am beginning to see some real aging things happening to me.  My eyesight has definitely gotten worse, my hearing is slightly impaired, my skin is looking wrinkled and dry and my memory is often a source of embarrassment, especially when I start to tell someone something and they get that far away look in their eyes that says, "Here we go again.  She's told me this three times already!"  Some people are too nice to say that.  My kids are mercifully honest so that I can put an end to the repeated story.

There's a huge irony here.  My memory is beginning to dwindle, especially short term memory: "What did I come into this room for?" "Who is that person?" However, when I was falling I recorded the events in slow motion and remember every little frame of action.  While in the hospital these memories kept replaying over and over in my mind, becoming so bad that I'd just close my eyes and cringe when they started.  I knew the ending and I wasn't anxious to relive it.  My hearing was also very acute as I remember hearing the ladder splash into the pool right before I landed with a thud.  The flashbacks are less now and I've been able to look at the "scene of the crime" without tears.  Since it's just outside our patio door I better get used to it because I'll be confronted by it many times a day as long as I live here.  Maybe with time I'll forget the horror, just as with many painful memories, and just remember the great things that have happened in the past week.

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