Sunday, July 3, 2011

I'm Back But I've Been Here All Along

     It has really been a year since I've posted.  I didn't go anywhere--well I went all over the place but I've been here in the blogosphere in spirit.  Living in the present, I should mention that it is so hot today that I don't even want to go into the pool.  I've been inside the house pretty much 100% this weekend.  We had talked about going to Huntington, but that didn't work out.  Good thing cause it's too hot to travel. 
     I'm pretty much the same as a year ago but I'm making some changes.  The biggest thing is I'm trying to be more real in my writing.  In my Creative Writing group I wrote something that I read to the class and after I was done I said, "That was so boring!"  The group agreed with me and so we talked about how to make it less boring and why it was boring in the first place.
     I'm writing a book about a friend of mine who had cancer and died.  I'm only mentioning the good things, the touching things.  Yes, there were many good things that happened in both our lives and at the same time we knew that this was a tough time for us.  I'm showing those things but not really addressing how I was feeling, my interactions with others, my negative thoughts and feeling about things that were happening, the things that made me mad.  The group encouraged me to let it all out--let it rip!!
     I'm hesitant to do that for several reasons. First of all, I'm not really one to confront negative feelings.  It's much easier to deny them access to my everyday life, while at the same time allowing them to eat at me and make me sick.  I'm also aware of others' feelings and don't want to make anyone mad or stroke their egos by giving them part of my thoughts rent free.  And, I'm not sure I want certain instances to come out and play again.  Some things are still raw.  I'm not going to go into detail here because this is just in the formulation stage in my gray matter.  I guess my point in sharing this is that to look at me and my life, it may look like nothing's different than a year ago (except that my hair is short this year).  But I know that a lot has changed in my attitudes and just the way I look at things, especially things I may not be thrilled about.  I want to be real and honest and whole.  That's what I'm working on now, in the latest installment of my life!