Falling Thoughts

While I was falling off of my roof I was completely conscious.   That's a really good thing because I think that's what kept my head up and avoided a head injury. But it's bad because I remember every second and millisecond.  I remember in mid-flight being so astonished that this thing had happened.  I also realized at that moment that this probably wouldn't end well.  The things that go through our minds are so detailed and rich that we could never, with our human abilities, be able to recall everything but I remember sights and sounds pretty vividly right now.

I'm 58 years old and am beginning to see some real aging things happening to me.  My eyesight has definitely gotten worse, my hearing is slightly impaired, my skin is looking wrinkled and dry and my memory is often a source of embarrassment, especially when I start to tell someone something and they get that far away look in their eyes that says, "Here we go again.  She's told me this three times already!"  Some people are too nice to say that.  My kids are mercifully honest so that I can put an end to the repeated story.

There's a huge irony here.  My memory is beginning to dwindle, especially short term memory: "What did I come into this room for?" "Who is that person?" However, when I was falling I recorded the events in slow motion and remember every little frame of action.  While in the hospital these memories kept replaying over and over in my mind, becoming so bad that I'd just close my eyes and cringe when they started.  I knew the ending and I wasn't anxious to relive it.  My hearing was also very acute as I remember hearing the ladder splash into the pool right before I landed with a thud.  The flashbacks are less now and I've been able to look at the "scene of the crime" without tears.  Since it's just outside our patio door I better get used to it because I'll be confronted by it many times a day as long as I live here.  Maybe with time I'll forget the horror, just as with many painful memories, and just remember the great things that have happened in the past week.

HELP!

I walked with a walker once in the hospital and then was discharged to my home.  I was very anxious to get back home but I knew I needed help.  I needed help last Monday as I lay on my back patio with the worst pain ever and I sensed we needed help now.  Maybe not the kind of HELP! the Beatles were calling for in their famous song (What was their problem anyway?) but I knew we could not do this alone. My room had been prepared and, while I knew that my entourage of medical staff wouldn't be there, I wanted to get home and make the transition and get settled.  My husband is a rock.  He's the most patient, kind man I know.  Seven years ago he was my primary caregiver and it worked out well.  We had weeks to plan how we would handle my home care.  This time we're seven years older and this came completely out of the blue.  We had no warning--no plans A, B or C.  Our first evening/night at home were stressful.  The boys had brought one of our "hospital" beds ( part of an electric bed-set that my in-laws had once used, now our guest room beds) downstairs to our family room and all of my other supplies were kind of strewn about as Dave was trying to organize my "space".  There's plenty of room, lots of couches/chairs and I'm in the hub of the house so I can be part of whatever goes on.  Dave slept upstairs and I called him on his cell when I was ready to use the bedside commode.  He finally just slept on the couch beside me.  Interrupted sleep isn't very restful!  Anyway, by the second morning or so Dave looked completely exhausted as he provided my breakfast, did laundry and dishes before work and the light went on--we needed help.  Immediately I got out a pad and pencil and we made a list of things we needed help for.  I made a few phone calls and Voila! help arrived.  I have often been heard to say a line I heard on Seinfeld: "People.  They're the worst!"  I'm going to amend that to: "People. They're the best!"  Here's a picture of Deb W.--my own personal hair stylist and neighbor extraordinaire.  She and her husband are the ones who rescued me!!

The Chopper Room

It's been a week now, but feels like yesterday and a decade ago at the same time.  I'll continue my account of the events of last MondayBy the time all the tests had been done, and meds given I had calmed down quite a bit.  I had complete trust in my caregivers.  They were gentle and very concerned about me.  I couldn't eat or drink and was getting tired and a little hungry, but that didn't matter.  I was safe and in very capable hands.  Howard and Debbie had left whey my family showed up.  Mike and Kendra, his girlfriend went for food.  My husband, who did NOT kill me, was his usual comforting self.  It made me feel good just knowing he was there.  He had called some of my family members and friends which got the prayer chains working.  I felt prayers that I didn't even know they were being sent.  

My prior experience with Fresno Community Hospital had not been good.  Seven years ago I had back surgery with complications that resulted in three surgeries in 6 weeks.  Without going into detail, I received poor care by nursing staff and vowed never again to darken their doors.  HA!  But, at this early date I was already sensing a huge change in the tone of the place.  Good service, caring caregivers, feeling safe--it was a pleasant surprise.  Most of the time I was in a morphine cloud, but I remember enough to know I was at the complete mercy of my caregivers.  I'm so thankful that God, as the one who heals all, was watching over the whole lot of us!

When I was admitted to my room I was delivered to a quiet, out of the way single room (all privates there).  On a previous admission I was in a room on the same floor that was next to a train track and it would blow it's whistle every 30-45 minutes as it rumbled by all night.  I was sure not to be put in that room BUT my new room was next to the helipad!  Oh Great!!  At bedtime the nurse brought me a set of ear plugs.  I certainly could have used them 7 years ago!  As it turned out, however, the "choppers" which came in 3-4 times that first night didn't bother me at all...without the ear plugs.  Each time I heard it I prayed for the patients they were bringing in who were surely in more pain than I was.

Femur, Patella, Knees and Shins

Not quite the same words as the song, "Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes" but the tune fits!  I'm going to recount my memories of a recent escapade of mine.  (I have pics, too.  I'll warn you before putting them in.)  So here goes: On Labor Day, just a few days ago, I was home alone and pondering what to do with my morning.  I had options: take a nap, put Velcro on my slipcover, take a bath, read or wash one last window from our recent exterior painting extravaganza of our house.  The choice I eventually made is, by now, widely publicized: I decided to wash the window.  For those of you who don't know our house, I'll explain a few architectural details.  Our two story home has the master bedroom on the second floor facing the backyard.  Along the entire width of the back wall of the house we have a covered patio  and beyond that a pool and deck.  From the very highest point of our  house (which is in the front) to the ground it's about 26 feet. From the patio cover in the back to the ground is approx. 8 feet.  The distance from the master bedroom the window to the roof of the pack patio is about 2 feet.  It's easy to open the window and step out on the patio roof to wash the window.  I've done it before several times.  The roof is fairly flat but slants gradually toward the gutter.

 I had already gathered my cleaning supplies and expected this to take a few minutes, then I'd go back into the bedroom to take a nap.  Now, should I have been washing the window in the first place?  No.  Should I have been on the roof even if it was "just" a patio roof?  No, for so very many reasons.  Would I have done this if my husband had been home?  Probably not.  Was this activity against all conventional wisdom especially considering my other health issues I have? Yes.  So, you might ask, why did I do it?  I could wimp out and say, "I don't know."  But I think it's deeper than that.  I had something in mind that was "on my list" and only focused on that.  I thought I could get away with it.  I hate having any kind of restrictions on my activities and rebel now and then.  The thing is, I can usually get a small job like that done, no problem.  If there are complications, BIG PROBLEM.  Then it migrates from my realm to others' realms and in that, this kind of stuff is selfish and totally disregards the safety measures that Dave and I have put in place for us to have a good quality of life.

Bottom line: when I screw up like this, the majority of the grief falls on my husband's shoulders.  Yes, we have an awesome family and many, many friends who are willing and able to help out, but when they all go home, it's Dave and me.  He has "bedside commode duty" at 2:00 am and again at 4:00 am and many more duties that only he can do.  I disregarded our safety policies and now he suddenly has, on top of all his other responsibilities and stresses of life, a brand new "fire" to put out. My consequence is a broken, hurting body.  Not what you would call a "win-win" situation.

This is the last self flagellation exercise I will do.  I am fully accepting responsibility for my actions here and am understanding all the ramifications of my poor decision.  I have told Dave I'm sorry for what happened and as we continue on I'll have a new respect for taking good care of myself.  Pain is no picnic and we had enough to do without navigating our way through this mine field.     We've been handling all sorts of crises over the past 38 years and won't stop now.  When all is said and done we will find the positive things that will come of this mess, we always do.  Our faith in God and others will be strengthened as we lean on Him and others so heavily during this time.

Now, on to the action!  After assembling all my supplies, I slid the window open and stepped out.  The window cleaning went well and yes, the window did get clean.  The problem was that when I closed the window behind me it locked into place and I lost my only way into the house.  I had a mini panic attack but then started problem solving.  The options were to: stay there til someone found me; jump down; find a way to  climb down the chimney or...AHA! There was a ladder on this roof, a remnant of the recent painting.  I could slide it down to the patio and climb down.  I thought I was saved!  I closed the ladder and started sliding it to the edge of the roof. Remember, it's flat with a little slant.  It was at this point that gravity took over.  The ladder ( see above, now safely on the ground out of MY way!) slipped out of my hands and I followed it.

I remember sliding off the roof and seeing the Adirondack chair right below me.  I didn't have time to figure out how best to land and the next thing I knew I heard the ladder splash into the pool right before I landed on the ground.    I was somehow sitting on the patio with my back towards the house.  I looked down and saw my right  thigh going one way, right knee going the other and right,  lower leg heading another.  There was a protrusion from under the waistband of my shorts which must have been the right hip joint.  I sensed something very, very wrong here and grabbed the lower part of my leg to try to straighten it to see if I could get out of this easily. It was dead weight and I realized there was blood all over.  It quickly hit me that I was in major trouble and I stared yelling, "Help me! Call 911! Somebody help!"  My voice seemed to crack and I was afraid that no one would hear me.  I don't know how long I yelled--it seemed like hours--but it wasn't very long.  Suddenly I heard voices and people running and yelling.  My across the street neighbors, Howard and Debbie came to me at about the same time my backyard neighbor called out that she was calling 911.  Howard tried calling but wasn't getting through.  The backyard neighbor yelled that she had gotten through and help was on the way.  I was so relieved.  The pain I was experiencing was incredible.  The very worst I ever had.  Now when someone asks me to describe my pain with ten being the worst pain I have ever experienced, I'll have a good reference point.

In the meantime Debbie had bent down to check on me to see what I needed.  Fortunately there were lots of towels and a rug around the pool so I had her put pressure on the gash on my lower shin (left side).  She talked to me calmly and soothingly and reminded me that help was on the way.  I kept saying, "My husband is going to kill me."

Debbie and Howard responded by repeating, "He won't kill you.  He's not going to kill you."

My mantra at that point was, "Oh God help me!  I'm so sorry! Dave is gonna kill me! Help me!  I'm so sorry! Oh God, help me!"  I tried some deep breathing and found comfort in singing my Grandma Smith's favorite hymn, How Great Thou Art. 

Howard went into the house to find things like my phone, purse and a large pillow so I could lean on a post  in the patio.  As the siren got louder, Howard went out front to direct them to me.  The guys arrived and started assessing me with me hollering again whenever they would even look at my right leg.  I was in excruciating pain.  Howard and Debbie offered to call my family but I was coherent enough so I called Dave. I tried to be calm so he wouldn't panic. I said, "I fell and need you to come home.  I'm so sorry.  I fell.  Be careful, don't drive too fast, Howard and Debbie are here and the ambulance is here and they'll go with me. I'm going to call Mike."

His steady and confident voice has always comforted me when I've been in panic mode.  He said, "O.K. I'm on my way.  I'll meet you at Fresno Community ER?"

"Yes. I'm sorry!"

I then called my son, Michael and said, "Mike, I need you.  I fell and am going to Fresno Community on the ambulance."

"We'll meet you there was his quick response.

I was medicated while still in the backyard and by the time we reached the hospital I had 10 mg of IV Morphine on board and was still in unbearable pain.  I was strapped to a backboard with a neck collar so I couldn't look around.  I was kind of disappointed because I'd never been inside an ambulance before. Having a cockeyed leg is one way to get you right in at the trauma center.  Remember that if you're ever there!  The team of MDs, RNs, Xray techs, PA's, NP's and many "persons with initials" got me poked and pulled and scooted, xrayed and assessed up one side and down the other.

One of my RN's happened to be a former high school classmate of my son and they had played soccer together.  I was glad to see him because I knew it would be so good for Mike to see a familiar face!.  The family came, Dave arrived and I was able to relax a bit.  I'll break up the rest of the saga because there's so much to tell and my energy is quite limited!

I'm Back But I've Been Here All Along

     It has really been a year since I've posted.  I didn't go anywhere--well I went all over the place but I've been here in the blogosphere in spirit.  Living in the present, I should mention that it is so hot today that I don't even want to go into the pool.  I've been inside the house pretty much 100% this weekend.  We had talked about going to Huntington, but that didn't work out.  Good thing cause it's too hot to travel. 
     I'm pretty much the same as a year ago but I'm making some changes.  The biggest thing is I'm trying to be more real in my writing.  In my Creative Writing group I wrote something that I read to the class and after I was done I said, "That was so boring!"  The group agreed with me and so we talked about how to make it less boring and why it was boring in the first place.
     I'm writing a book about a friend of mine who had cancer and died.  I'm only mentioning the good things, the touching things.  Yes, there were many good things that happened in both our lives and at the same time we knew that this was a tough time for us.  I'm showing those things but not really addressing how I was feeling, my interactions with others, my negative thoughts and feeling about things that were happening, the things that made me mad.  The group encouraged me to let it all out--let it rip!!
     I'm hesitant to do that for several reasons. First of all, I'm not really one to confront negative feelings.  It's much easier to deny them access to my everyday life, while at the same time allowing them to eat at me and make me sick.  I'm also aware of others' feelings and don't want to make anyone mad or stroke their egos by giving them part of my thoughts rent free.  And, I'm not sure I want certain instances to come out and play again.  Some things are still raw.  I'm not going to go into detail here because this is just in the formulation stage in my gray matter.  I guess my point in sharing this is that to look at me and my life, it may look like nothing's different than a year ago (except that my hair is short this year).  But I know that a lot has changed in my attitudes and just the way I look at things, especially things I may not be thrilled about.  I want to be real and honest and whole.  That's what I'm working on now, in the latest installment of my life!

Where's My Voice???

It finally happened.  I've been struck dumb.  Not the stupid, idiotic kind of dumb or the kind that John's daddy, Zachariah, got when he heard his aged wife Elizabeth was to bear his child.  This must be the result of allergies or a virus.  I'm still not sure. It started as a little "tickle" like I swallowed a cricket and pretty soon I sounded like Demi Moore, then Isaac Hayes and now Helen Keller.  My husband is loving it.  He's not a huge talker so this gives him a big window of opportunity to have his peace and quiet.

This weekend we were guests at Lakeview Cottages at Huntington Lake.  We have several friends who are co-owners and have the privilege of spending time there on occasion. Since Dave is the "resident artist" we have an "in". He drew a design that they're using on shirts and mugs. It is so peaceful and relaxing at 7,000+ feet. The air was so clear that the sky looked blue instead of grey.  The water of the lake was clear and cold.  We also got to have a nice visit with our son, Matt, and hear from his employers/co-workers/friends how wonderful he is.  I love to hear people telling me what a good job he's doing!  We think he's amazing, but how great it is that other people think so, too!

So, back to being dumb.  I was having my quiet time with God this morning and, as usual, I spent some time listening.  This is the hard part for me--I tend to talk 'over' God rather than listen to Him.  Anyway, the message I got was that He, like Dave, likes it when I can't talk as much as usual.  (I guess He's referring to when I talk to myself all day...please don't tell anyone).  I have to say I like it, too.  You really do hear more, from God and other folks, when you "Shut your cake-hole, Mary-Ann!"(that's a quote from Scrubs, for what it's worth)  There is a point when I'm ready to open my mouth that I have to remind myself that nothing is going to come out.   I feel almost light-headed with the freedom NOT to speak.  Maybe only a blabber-mouth like me can understand this.  Maybe I'll get more writing done this way.  I can shut my mouth but won't silence my fingers!

Travel Weary

This is turning out to be quite a summer.  Comparing it to how my life was only a year ago, I think I "gotta life".  Didn't take too long, did it?  Here's a list of significant events so far in 2010:

* Many doctor appointments and diagnoses; Dave: atrial fibrillation, Parkinson's, cataracts.  Deb: followup for back, pain, yearly exams, etc.  Dental work--ouch!

* Feb.11: To Davis to attend class with Emilie (Micro and Anatomy Lab (cadavers and   all!)

* Feb 12-15: Long weekend in Monterey with the family.

* March 1:  Dave's cataract surgery.

* March 21: Fly to Portland, OR with Emilie to look for an apartment.

* March 23:  David Michael turns 27.

* March 25: Side trip up to Forks, WA to look for vampires

* March 28:  Home just in time to say goodbye to good friend Sue.

* March 29: Lost Sue--still miss her like it happened yesterday.

* April 2:  Sue's memorial service--see you in Heaven, Friend.  I love you.

* May 20-23: Idaho for Jessica's wedding with Emilie.

* May 24-30: Stay in Davis to help Emilie with Bridal Shower for Meg.

*June 8:  Matthew Wayne turns 26.

*June 10-12: Back to Davis with the Friesen Five for Emilie's graduation: BS in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology.  No, we're not proud at all!!  ha

* June 13: Jessica and Luke's reception in Fresno.

COMING UP

* June 18-20: Shaver Lake cabin with Assurance Group.

* July 10: Meg's wedding in Sonora.

*July 17-24: To NC to visit Anne, Geoff, Grace, Caroline and Kate, and my sisters Carolyn  from Indiana and Nancy from France.

* July 31: SF with church group to see Giants game.

* July 31-Aug 2 (?):Davis to help Emilie pack for OR.  See Emilie off to OR and Pharmacy school--13 HOURS AWAY FROM FRESNO =(

*Aug 6-8: Pismo to celebrate 37th wedding anniversary.

*Aug. 22:  57th birthday

*Aug. 23-Dec. 31: TO BE DETERMINED.

So, if I ever complain again about not having a life, slap me!  And, be careful what you pray for.  God just may give it to you!