My Windah

This is my window (or as my Midwestern mama says, 'windah') that I slid open, stepped onto the patio roof from and swiftly slid across and flew from.  Today as I was sitting on my bed contemplating, meditating and praying I glanced out of this window.  The first thing I saw was this beautiful tree with its bright shiny green leaves swaying in the breeze as the morning sun shone through.  As I thought about my impending surgery and getting on with the rest of my life I used the tree as a metaphor.  I seem to communicate with myself in metaphor to find meaning in even the most seemingly insignificant things around me.  The tree, on first glance, was put there for its beauty.  It makes me feel good to look out my window and see that tree.  The other bedroom window shows off another gorgeous tree.  Sometimes I imagine that I live in a tree house.  It reminds me of a house we lived in at 313 E. Harrison St.  Eureka, Illinois.  My bedroom had 7 windows that wrapped around the room.  They were the old fashioned kind that dropped down into the wall when you wanted some fresh air.  I used to sit on my bed there and contemplate life as well.  Then I was an adolescent and my problems, which seemed so insurmountable, seem so easy compared to now.

As I thought more about my present day tree, I realized that hidden within its leaves and branches were many very important utilitarian features.  The first one that came to mind was that whole photosynthesis thing.  I love oxygen and I love to breathe so I am grateful for all that biology going on right before my eyes.  There are also many families who call that tree home.  There are always birds flying around it and countless babies have been born there and subsequently pushed out of their nest into the real world, just like I was pushed out of my 7 window bedroom (not literally...)into my reality.  And, how about all the bugs and other critters that inhabit my tree?  I don't like to go too deep on critters and bugs but I just know that they're there, somewhere.  The shade that comes in the summer is worth that tree's weight in gold.  The blistering summers in Fresno would be impossible to live through with without shade.  When our kids were little, the trees around our house provided endless fun when they were used as base, forts, or just for climbing around.

There's another part of this picture that fits into my picture of making something of my life.  The roof over the patio is obvious (the brown roof just outside the window).  This is almost exactly where the accident happened.  It's been just over 5 months now since I opened that window for the last time.  That event has changed forever my path in my life.  It may sound melodramatic, but it has.  As I think back on all the huge decisions that have been made and all the emotional and physical ramifications of that day it makes me antsy to get out of this 'sick mode' and be well again.  When something like that happens, at first it is somewhat of a novelty.  You lay in bed drugged out with pain killers and people bring you food and anything else you want.  People come over and call all the time and you get flowers and cards, too.  And the food!  Church lady food starts filling the fridge with unbelievably good grub.  But that's all fading now.  Life has gone on and other people are in trouble so much of the good will that was once pointed in my direction is now tending to someone who is more needy.  That's probably a good thing.  Otherwise no one would ever want to get well.

I want my life to mean something.  Even if I'm 58 years old, I think I can contribute.  I know that God still looks at me as part of his team.  He has things for me to do.  I have things that he has entrusted me with and I need to continue on.  My prayer today was that he would show me ways that I can be useful; ways that I can reach out to others and in a small way make the world a better place.  In my time with God this morning he showed me, through a window, my life.  I can stand tall and look good--just like the tree but if you look deeper, there is so much potential, just like the tree to reach out my arms/branches and serve those around me.  I can see where I've been--the roof--and make plans to avoid such interruptions to my life.  I can be thankful for everything I have learned these past 5 months and how much I appreciate my family and friends.  God has shown me the best in people as they have ministered to me.  

I'm going to keep looking though that windah and think of my future and how much of a blessing it will be to be able to walk and drive and go places and also how much of a blessing it has been to be ministered to. I will get through these next few weeks with that as my goal--to be able to be what God has made me to be.

Coming Up For Air.....Finally!

 

I am finally able to see light at the end of this insane tunnel I've been traveling. That means that I have some long awaited answers to my medical questions.  The latest tests show that the lumbar spine is intact with no hardware or vertebrae damage and best of all, no nerve damage!  I do, however have a couple of cracked thoracic vertebrae so I need to do PT or at least strengthening exercises for that.  Those, we assume happened during "The Fall" as they are recent and I haven't fallen off of too many roofs since September 5!!!

Squeamish Alert: The following may cause you to grind your back teeth and make your hands sweat. If you're one of those people who can't stand the sight of the blood and guts that we call the Human Body, you are welcome to skip over this next section! (But, it's not that bad so try really hard.)

BUT (there's always a "but", isn't there?) my hip, she isn't doing so good... This picture is the closest I could find that resembles my fracture.  Mine is a bit more vertical so the angle isn't quite so wide.  It completely broke the bone and part of it flipped up into my abdomen. He managed to get everything in alignment and secured with a rod down my femur and some screws on the top part of the fracture. After 5 months this was declared a disaster area (in Medical-speak the term in "non-union") and it has to be fixed.  Since I'm "too young" (doc's words, not mine!) to have a total hip replacement he's going to try to pack the fractured area with a bone graft from my pelvis and some other stuff--styrofoam peanuts, 2 for 1 glue offer from TV or play dough--or possibly some other kind of bone growth stimulator and hope that it all stays together.  He will inspect the bone and hardware to see what may have caused the non-union but he also said that this area often has trouble healing and I fell on the hip causing a lot of trauma and blood loss. If he finds that he can't repair the area, he will then do a total hip replacement. He will, at any rate, remove all the initial hardware and put different hardware in. They aren't designed to last more than a few months. After that, the bone should be healed and grown around the hardware making everything nice and secure. The reason they don't like to do this on kids my age is that I'm still fairly active and the more active one is with a replacement, the quicker it "wears out" and would have to be repeated.  The fracture is also so low below the joint that he would have to cut back on the bone quite a bit. So, he'll avoid that if possible.

OK, it's over now.  So to get down to the nitty gritty.....

 As a regular reader of this blog may remember, we have spent the last six weeks or so on a mission to better understand what's been happening with all this. We visited five other docs from varying specialties and were fascinated by all the political #!*@ we had to wade through.  Private vs Teaching, Surgical vs Medical, Conservative vs "Do it now!", helpful vs don't ask me!  Even though we both are in the health care field we found it pretty frustrating at times to go through all this.  Then the waiting! We figured that during the six week consultation period, we spent at least 3/4 of that time just waiting to hear from doctor offices for appointments, imaging centers for appointments, someone to go over all the ordered tests, approval to see a doc out of our insurance plan for a 2nd opinion (our HMO covered that, BTW).  The upside of that is that we feel comfortable with the final diagnosis and we feel like we're totally in the loop.  The surgeon who will be doing my surgery (FCH- February 14--Happy Valentine's Day!!) is the one who initially saw me in the ER right after the fall.  He spent a lot of time going over each X-ray I've had at his office carefully explaining what his approach will be during surgery.  

So, one might ask, how does one go about staying positive while going through all this?  Right here is the answer.  Prayer changes how I feel about myself and others.  It takes the focus away from ME and all MY troubles.  Feeling angry or negative about all this would just make everything worse. Not

all the prayers said are said by myself.  Sometimes

they have to be uttered by friends who know what's

going on well enough to pray for me.  Sometimes I'm either too whacked out on my pain meds or just plain tired or in too much pain that the pain meds haven't caught and I can't pray.  Nothing comes forth. I know that I have friends who step in for me.  That's another way I can cope: FRIENDS and FAMILY.  I'm so lucky to have a family who understands.  I'm so lucky to have two sisters, while they are far away, I know they have my back.  They'll say the right aaawww's and ooohhh's at just the right time.  My 96 year old mom has come through for me as she listens to what is happening and promises to keep praying for me.  It is just such a comfort to talk to "my people". 

I must quit here because I could go on and on about my hunk of a man husband who's been there for me all the times I've needed him and is just the best...Here I go again.  I must quit  because the laptop is burning a hole in my legs and the furnace is on so I'm getting well toasted!  Thanks for listening!!

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Read All About It!

Read all about it!!

The latest news is.....more waiting,more tests, more referrals, more doctors. We saw Neurosurgeon #2 yesterday and in so many words he agreed that there was no back involvement with the fall.  He wants to have another MRI and CT scan "Just to be certain" translated as "to cover my buttttt".  Then when those tests show that my back is clear I'll be referred, finally, to a hip specialist to fix my hip.  Now, I'm going to be OK with this because this is the reality.  Also, we're getting lots of opinions so that when we do make a decision as to which way to go, we will know that we covered all the bases.  This means more time but that's the way it has to be. 

These doctors are interesting.  What is happening is we're caught in the politics of medicine called:

Private Practice vs Teaching Institutions

Just like on Scrubs (if you know us, you know that we're Scrubs officiantos) when Elliot decides to go into Private Practice and the rest of the doctors stay at Sacred Heart, a teaching hospital where they were all trained through their internships and residencies.  The docs that stay with Sacred Heart shun poor little Elliot because they feel she has sold out to the big guys.  But, she makes more money, gets to go home at 5 pm and is now one of the "Elites". Elliot accuses the hospital docs of being jealous.  They accuse her of being ungrateful.  They all admit that there's some truth in all the accusations and learn to play nicely with each other.

This stuff happens in real life, too as we're finding out. (We're not sure if they're reached the "play nice" phase yet, though!) The Private Practice docs put the Teaching Hospital docs down and vice versa.  We can almost predict these reactions.  It's good that we've seen both sides because we can see past this and try to get to the truth--somewhere in there--deep, deep down!

Another trend we're seeing is:

I don't know nothing about.....

(With hands opened out in front of them the various specialists say, "I know nothing about_____ (hips, nerves, spines, spinal nerves, bones, birthin' no babies) Fill in the blank depending on which doc we're talking to at the moment. (The last possibility about "birthin' no babies" was stolen right out of Gone With The Wind but seemed to fit nicely into the scenario) They are so super-specialized that they will over-emphasize and literally throw their hands up and back up a step or two when we ask a question "out of their field".  That's why this is taking so long.  We have to see a different physician for everything.  They won't even speculate.  The good thing is that we're getting good at deciphering their protests and things they don't say.  We've gotten a ton of information this way!

One more thing to say:  I'd like to give a shout out to Anthem Blue Cross HMO--yes you heard me--my insurance company called me yesterday and said they will pay for the 2nd opinion we got last week.  The one we paid $300 out of pocket because we were told it wouldn't be covered.  Whoo-hoo!

So folks, this is to say that we're still waiting, we're doing fine, we have no answers, thanks for faithfully waiting with us and thanks for listening.

Beep da da Beep da da Beep 

That's all Folks!

Well, The Nerve.....

Yesterday was a good day.  We had a consultation with a different doctor who is a specialist in spinal surgery.  Dave thinks I'm jumping the gun because we're not done consulting on this, but this guy is the best in his field and according to this fine dude there is no damage to my back hardware or to my back in general.   However, according to surgeon #1 I don't need spinal surgery.  We'll see another neurosurgeon (Surgeon #2) on Tuesday so we'll see what he has to say. We're getting answers but at the same time it's getting a bit more complicated.  It seems that the experts in the areas I need help in are not on our insurance (i.e. Surgeon #1, above and Surgeon #3, below)  There is, however precedence where insurance companies have "jumped the fence" if they cannot provide the level of care that the patient needs within their plan.  So, while I'm happy, I'm still a bit confused because if we estalish that I do NOT need spine surgery, we still have the hip that is not healing.  There is a non-union of the bones so it's quite important that I get someone who's very good at dealing with this kind of problem.  There's an expert "Hip Man"(Surgeon #3) in town but "Guess What?"  He's not on our insurance plan!  Continued prayers would be truly welcome as we may be needing to deal with our HMO and they've been known to eat people, spit them out and then eat them again--eewww!.  One the other hand (I'm running out of hands) our HMO has never given us any problems and has always come through when we needed them so we're starting out on a positive note.

The diagram above is the hip--not mine but some healthy person.  My fracture pretty much yanked the bone apart almost pulling the "ball" out of the "socket". It is either a sub-trochanteric or inter-trochanteric fracture; my doctors have differing opinions about that.  Anyway, it's the top part of the femur.  Without going into gory details, there was a lot of soft tissue damage and bleeding under the skin and one part of the bone ended up somewhere in my abdomen--I really wasn't paying too much attention.  As a result of all the trauma and other damage, it is having trouble healing.  It's referred to as a "non-union" which is just what it sounds like,  While everything is in alignment, there appears to be a bit of "gaposis" (not a medical term).  What might have to happen is that they need to surgically remove that area and put in a new hip joint.   I can try to see if they'll put in a small one so I can go down a size or two in my jeans, but I'm scared to ask because I don't think it works that way--tee hee.

The diagram on the right is the spinal cord with all it's tiny little nerves coming out.  Seven years ago I had fusion of my L5-S1 vertebrae and then there was damage to the nerve that's supposed to go through that area so I had to have another surgery to fix that and then another one to try to fix the damage caused by that resulting in 3 back surgeries in 6 weeks.  "In for a penny, in for a pound"--I don't know what that means but I think it fits here. That left me a gimp who walks with a cane and a chronic painer because the surgery didnt really help the back pain that was what I went in for anyway.  If you can understand all that you either are in the medical field, should be in the medical field or you are as loopy as I am and we should get together for coffee sometime!  Can you see why I'm not too keen to be having back surgery any time soon????????????


 So I will now leave you with a bit of miscellanea that I picked up on my computer search for this post that shows just how closely related to the animal kingdom we are:

Trochanter, femur, tibia and tarsus of an earth-boring dung beetle

4th Trochanter, a shared characteristic common to archosaurs. 

                                                   

It All Comes Down to Kicks and Giggles

I'm thankful for laughter, 

except when milk comes out of my nose~Woody Allen

Abbey wasn't really into modeling Alice's Christmas dress.  

"It's itchy". she complained, "and you guys know that I like soft and cuddly 

stuff.  I'm so misunderstood around here.  Why doesn't anyone consider 

MY  needs?"  With that Abbey stomped of to her crate.

When Eddie heard all the ruckus he immediately ran over to see what 

was going on.  His little spirit was crushed.His self-esteem took a huge hit.  

Mommy held a pretty shiny thing with a white bow and Eddie smelled trouble!  Before he knew what

had happened, the red monstrosity was placed on HIM!  Eddie was not pleased.  This was the

most humiliating thing that ever happened!

"Aw, come on!" he managed to squeak out,"I'm a guy for Pete's Sake!

Whose 'great' idea was this? Get this stupid thing off of me at once or I'll

rip it off myself!"   Mommy and Emilie were laughing so hard that they

could barely do the job, but finally Eddie was in the buff again. With

his tail tucked between his legs he slunk back into his crate and cowered

in the back corner.  Maybe it wasn't the nicest thing to do to them but we did get some adorable pics!

 And VOILA! That's when it hit me.

 LAUGHTER REALLY IS THE BEST MEDICINE!!!

It's My Party and I'll Cry . . . .

Unfortunately, this is how I feel right now.  Maybe it's not a good time to log in but "a joy shared is twice the joy, a sorrow shared is half the sorrow" or so they say.  I had another appointment this am with my neurologist.  He had told me to call if the pain patches weren't working so,  RINGEY, DINGEY went I!    I got an appointment right away which was encouraging.  Again, this doc walked into the exam room, rx pad in hand.  He shook our hands and  asked how I felt and listened to what I said.  So the new plan is to double the Fentynal patches.  He's also scheduling me for an epidural that may or may not control the pain and the neurologist texted the neurosurgeon to see if he could see me sooner--that original appointment is set for January 17.  That's 2 more weeks.  I knew I couldn't wait that long.  Dr. Bhatia, the neurologist is one of the kindest, most caring docs I have had during this whole thing.

So the problem here is that I have been working around the schedules of my Orthopedic Surgeon, Primary MD, Neurologist, Neurosurgeon, Imaging Center, Dave (for rides to and from all of these places).  Thank goodness I don't have a schedule to work around.  The only place I go is to see those aforementioned medical personnel.  If I only had one doc to go through things would be so much quicker.  Nice Neurologist  understands this but can't do a whole lot about it.

I really have about had it.  There are times when I look like this pic, or at least I think I look like that.  Who wants to look in the mirror when they look like that?!?!  I get mad at anyone who happens to be within firing range.  Going through all of this makes me incredibly sad.  I feel like I'm the poster child for "there but for the grace of God go I".  But then on the other hand I see other people going through things and am thankful that I only have this to deal with.  Right now I'm in the "I want to get out!!!" mode.  But I can't run away from myself.  I know I have to go through this.  I have all these emotions running through me and then I take a look at myself and see the changes that have occurred since "The Fall".  I was going to list them but what would that accomplish?  I'm dealing with the body and the circumstances that I have now.  I try hard not to belly ache but this pain is wearing me down.  I just wanted to get this post done today because I feel I'm at a crossroads.  It's all REAL now.  It's not a novelty anymore.  Nothing is new anymore.  Too much has happened and now it's scary.  I've lost my vision of being well. I don't feel like I'm on a sick leave anymore.  It's here and its REAL.

The nerve pain is taking on a life of its own and I keep forgetting that I also have a hip that isn't healing.  This is a great time for denial!!

Thanks to everyone who cares about me.  Whether we see each other or not, I know you're there.  I feel better after unloading.  Maybe it's the increased pain meds but I am feeling a bit more human.  Earlier today I told Dave that I was ready to go into my cocoon--cut myself off from everyone and everything.  I thought I would just hunker down in my bed and sleep the days away.  Now I'm thinking that I know better than that.  I know that to keep my sanity and health I need to be around people.  So if y'all will hang in there with me, I'll hang with you!  So I'll end this on a better note.  Doesn't that piggy look happy?  That's me.

Ripples

 

It's time to update.  Much has happened since I last wrote on December 5.  I had an MRI of my back and a nerve conduction study on my right leg done by a neurologist--one more doctor to add to my growing list.  The MRI was a piece of cake--it was in an "open" MRI machine not the "coffin" that most of them once were.  It wasn't bad; I've had several so I knew what to expect.  They gave me headphones and asked  what kind of music I would like to listen to.  I asked for an "Oldies" station, however, with all the clanging and banging of the MRI machine I couldn't hear a thing (except the clanging and banging!).  That same week I saw a Gastroenterologist who said I will need another Colonoscopy (I had one about 5 years ago).  This is totally unrelated to the fall, but one more inconvenience!  We decided that I'd call the doctor when all this other stuff is taken of.  I had my mammogram this week.  Life just goes on in the midst of a crisis!  I also had another visit to my orthopedic surgeon and another X-ray of the right hip.  There was still no indication of healing to the hip.  I was told that insurance companies wouldn't authorize going back into surgery until 6 months of no healing had passed.  So the plan for the hip is to go back to the orthopedic surgeon in February for more X-rays and possibly CT scan of the hip.  My 6 month point will be March, 2012.  If nothing changes, we would go back into surgery the first part of March. One of the possibilities for the hip is to pack the area with bone from my pelvis which would get the bone growing.  He doesn't want to do a total replacement.  Sometimes I think that would be a good thing to do but it also seems like too much--too severe.

Now, back to the back. On my return visit to the neurologist to interpret the tests he walked into the exam room with his prescription pad in hand and delivered the news.  "The pain is definitely coming from your back.  It was damaged in the fall and a nerve is being pressed..." That's all I needed to hear.  I knew the rest.  Been there, done that.  As he handed me a prescription for a much stronger pain medication than I had been on, I couldn't help thinking that this couldn't be happening again!  The tears, the regret, the reality of it all was overwhelming.  I blamed myself for not recognizing it sooner and for not insisting that my back be thoroughly checked before I left the hospital.  The only reason I did not was that after Dave and I had told anyone who would listen that I had previous back surgery with complications, "they" (who? I can't remember) told me "they" checked it and it was OK.  Besides, when so much else was going on I didn't want to go looking for trouble so I didn't push for more info. I really felt no back pain after my fall.  The surgical pain and soft tissue injuries were so strong that they overshadowed any back or nerve pain.  Only when I started putting weight on my right leg in physical therapy did I start to notice the pain.  As Dave and I processed this new information we wondered if I would have been physically or mentally able to go into surgery again to repair the back right after having the surgeries on my leg.  We'll never know but this is real and will have to be dealt with. 

In light of this new information, let me just say that part of me is scared and very sad while still recognizing that God is teaching us things along the way.  My plans have been replaced with God's plans.  We had a  great Christmas with the kids.  Our activities were limited but we managed to go to a movie and out to dinner with the kids. That was so much fun. This was accomplished by using a wheelchair.  That in itself has a lot of meaning and God's hand behind it. 

Dave and his dad had polio in the mid 50's.  They survived but his dad lived the rest of his life in a wheelchair. This had a profound effect on the rest of the family as Dave, his brother, and mother along with extended family members had to help him do a lot of things. They would not have come through that without God and caring, loving family and friends Their ordeal was eventually used as a powerful testimony. Pushing his dad in the wheelchair was a big part of Dave's life.   Seeing me in the wheelchair conjured up a lot of old memories that we did not want to revive. 

I always think of the ripple effect when I think about our situation and how some things go through all the ripples and come right back to the beginning.  I'm not sure if I said that right, but thinking about the wheelchair brings back memories of the past for us. That series of events rippled through the whole Friesen family--not just the immediate family but extending through the whole tree of relatives and friends.  It immediately changed so many lives and continues even to the present time.  Thinking about how we react to using the wheelchair, it's come full circle and is joining a whole new series of ripples.

The ripples that my situation is causing seem to be turning into waves that are growing into a tsunami.  It's been 4 months now since I fell.  There have been many sacrifices such as our trip to Illinois to see my mom and old friends, our road trip to Oregon for Christmas and Christmas activities at church to name just a few.  I'm trying to counteract those huge waves by using some weapons of my own.  Denial continues to be a fairly effective way for me to  deal with things.  I can't deny that this happened but I can shut off worries about the future by just focusing on the here and now.  Some days that means just taking the next breath, other days I can think about the next step.  I just don't let myself get freaked out because if I did think too far ahead I wouldn't be able to drag myself out of bed.  I'm also trying to keep a positive attitude--as much as it sounds like a cliche, being positive is very important.  It's not an unrealistic attitude that discounts what I'm going through but rather acknowledging the pain while looking past the pain.  I do have much to be thankful for.  I could have sustained injuries much more severe than what I had.  I can see the caring and love from family and friends and am so appreciative of that.  The people who have helped me have done so because they wanted to and I am so thankful for that.  I have a husband who continually does things for me even though he has other things that need to be done, too.  It's been hard yet it has shown me once more the power of love. We have met our "for better or worse" moments and still keep going.


So as I continue to bob up and down on the waves I'll remember that I am being held up by many prayers and love.  Thanks to everyone who has prayed for us and kept in touch.  I know you are out there and that is very important.