Unfortunately, this is how I feel right now. Maybe it's not a good time to log in but "a joy shared is twice the joy, a sorrow shared is half the sorrow" or so they say. I had another appointment this am with my neurologist. He had told me to call if the pain patches weren't working so, RINGEY, DINGEY went I! I got an appointment right away which was encouraging. Again, this doc walked into the exam room, rx pad in hand. He shook our hands and asked how I felt and listened to what I said. So the new plan is to double the Fentynal patches. He's also scheduling me for an epidural that may or may not control the pain and the neurologist texted the neurosurgeon to see if he could see me sooner--that original appointment is set for January 17. That's 2 more weeks. I knew I couldn't wait that long. Dr. Bhatia, the neurologist is one of the kindest, most caring docs I have had during this whole thing.
So the problem here is that I have been working around the schedules of my Orthopedic Surgeon, Primary MD, Neurologist, Neurosurgeon, Imaging Center, Dave (for rides to and from all of these places). Thank goodness I don't have a schedule to work around. The only place I go is to see those aforementioned medical personnel. If I only had one doc to go through things would be so much quicker. Nice Neurologist understands this but can't do a whole lot about it.
I really have about had it. There are times when I look like this pic, or at least I think I look like that. Who wants to look in the mirror when they look like that?!?! I get mad at anyone who happens to be within firing range. Going through all of this makes me incredibly sad. I feel like I'm the poster child for "there but for the grace of God go I". But then on the other hand I see other people going through things and am thankful that I only have this to deal with. Right now I'm in the "I want to get out!!!" mode. But I can't run away from myself. I know I have to go through this. I have all these emotions running through me and then I take a look at myself and see the changes that have occurred since "The Fall". I was going to list them but what would that accomplish? I'm dealing with the body and the circumstances that I have now. I try hard not to belly ache but this pain is wearing me down. I just wanted to get this post done today because I feel I'm at a crossroads. It's all REAL now. It's not a novelty anymore. Nothing is new anymore. Too much has happened and now it's scary. I've lost my vision of being well. I don't feel like I'm on a sick leave anymore. It's here and its REAL.
The nerve pain is taking on a life of its own and I keep forgetting that I also have a hip that isn't healing. This is a great time for denial!!
Thanks to everyone who cares about me. Whether we see each other or not, I know you're there. I feel better after unloading. Maybe it's the increased pain meds but I am feeling a bit more human. Earlier today I told Dave that I was ready to go into my cocoon--cut myself off from everyone and everything. I thought I would just hunker down in my bed and sleep the days away. Now I'm thinking that I know better than that. I know that to keep my sanity and health I need to be around people. So if y'all will hang in there with me, I'll hang with you! So I'll end this on a better note. Doesn't that piggy look happy? That's me.