Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Double F

So far this month I've written about friends and food.  How about one more "F"? Actually it's a double F--Feelings of Frustration.  That's where I am today.  Every so often my pain and not being able to do things get all mixed up in my head and I become very frustrated.  If I hobble around the house to empty the dishwasher or load the washer or make the bed I feel like I've accomplished something but my leg really hurts and swells during and after.  That means I need to go lie down for a few hours before my leg settles down.  The doctor said I could be up for short periods in the house.  They really don't want me to be sitting all day long.  Too many problems come from that--DVT's, pneumonia, bedsores, crumbs in the bed and on and on.  

I'm not sure right now how to get past this double F curse.  I try to stay very positive for myself and my family and friends.  No one wants to be around a grouchy cripple and since I want my friends and family around me I try to be nice. The only really 'lucky' one to see the real me is my husband, bless him.  Last evening for some reason I was a first class "B" (another alphabet word) and since Dave was here (after all, he does live here) he got blasted.  I got mad at him because I spilled a full glass of wine all over the table.  I got mad at him because HE was cleaning it up.  Then I got mad at him because he made me sit down while he cleaned and then he made me supper!  Does that make sense to anyone but me??? 

There's a cloud over this whole recuperation period because of how I broke my bones in the first place.  I keep reminding myself that it is this prime example of how I can't do everything I want to do.  Freedom isn't the absence of restriction; it's having self-imposed limits that allow you to be all you can without overdoing it.  Just like kids, we need rules and guidelines in our lives in order to be truly free.  Kind of a weird concept.  So, where are these Fs of F coming from?  Probably all of the above: I'm overly-restricted right now so I don't feel free.  I fell because I loosened up some of my restrictions and I'm frustrated because I have to have too many restrictions.  The happy medium is out there right now.  Out in the nebulous "there".  I know I'll reach it again but in this season of mixed up freedom don't be surprised if I snap at you for a random act of kindness.  Just know that the real "ME" will return soon.
In the meantime, I'll just keep KNITTIN' WITHOUT NEEDLES!


  1. Debbie, continuing to pray for you and Dave. Thanks for your honesty and sharing your feelings of frustration. I think they are very valid all things considered. I am intentionally praying for another F word - freedom: freedom to feel all the things that come on this journey, freedom to not hang on to those feelings/attitudes that are not life giving - 'send them away', freedom to experience God's presence, forgiveness, strength, and joy in the midst of your circumstance. Love you two lots, James Bergen

  2. I feel like a horrible, awful, terrible friend! Especially after reading this. :( Please forgive me for not visiting you sooner. I do promise to come see you! Just don't hate me for taking so long.
    Love you!