Monday, December 5, 2011

Deja Vu All Over Again!

Another orthopedic surgeon visit last week to address the unbearable pain I've been having in my leg for the past several weeks.  I always thought it was nerve pain because I know what that is from my back surgery 7 years ago.  The doctor agreed with me--finally.  So I'm waiting for more tests to determine if there was additional back injury from "The Fall".  It seems like it has taken on a life of its own by now and I'm just riding along trying to hang on.  I had felt pretty good about my back not being involved but now it seems we may have overlooked something.  The nerve pain didn't show up until I started physical therapy.

I feel like I'm back to the beginning because according to the latest X-ray  the hip is still not healing.  He said the injury was so traumatic that maybe it was damaged more than we thought--maybe it won't heal properly.  He explained what happened and the neck of the femur completely broke off from the rest of the bone.  That's why, after I fell I could feel a big bone under my skin in my abdomen.  That was part of my femur that was completely displaced.  The "ball" part of the joint was almost ripped away from the "socket".  So, all this has taken me right back to the patio where I fell, back to the "scene of the crime".

I still cringe whenever I re-live the fall, which is quite often.  It will probably still occasionally haunt me until I'm old and gray--wait a minute, I'm already old and gray!  Well, for a long time anyway.  That day I was brought to my knees and I've been there, figuratively speaking anyway, ever since.  I am humbled in many ways.  Having to use a walker makes me feel helpless.  I've got callouses and blisters on my hands so I got some cyclist's gloves.  That helps a bit but doesn't look too cool.  My pinkies are getting numb from the pressure on the nerve so I switch off between crutches and the walker.

The nerve pain is getting to be the main driving force in my life right now.  Everything revolves around it, especially how active I am.  Sitting for a while makes it so hard to get back up, but I do a lot of it!  I've started taking a pillow to church and sitting on the end of the pew so I can lean against it with my pillow and sit crooked so I can put my leg up (on the pew if vacant or on Dave's leg).  The good news is that I can bend my knee much more easily now so that helps me move better.

There's my groaning and moaning for now.  As I sat in church yesterday listening to and singing beautiful Christmas carols I came face to face with God.  I've been very pre-occupied with myself because of all the pain that is wrapped all around me.  People tell me they are praying for me and I love that.  I can feel that.  I just have a hard time praying for myself.  I don't know if it's because I don't think it will help or if I'm just afraid to go that deep.  I'm usually pretty superficial regarding my situation--one day at a time and all that.  I don't allow myself to go too far ahead because there are scary things up there.  Also, it seems like whenever I get into a medical situation like this it becomes a holy mess.  Holy, yes, because I know God is there and something good also comes from it.  Always good.  I  got into trouble when I was pregnant and had to deliver both children prematurely because of pre-eclampsia.  My back surgery seven years ago turned into three surgeries with nerve damage, disability and pain.  So it figures that I take an 8 foot flight and mess myself up AND get nerve pain and slow healing.  It's just my MO.  That sounds fatalistic I know, but it's what I think.  For whatever reason, things get complicated and I can't help but notice the similarities.

That's all to say that I'm afraid to examine this too closely.  I know that God is watching over me and that this ordeal will end someday and that I'll learn some amazing life lessons, but in the meantime, waiting is difficult.  No, waiting is almost impossible.  I want things to happen right away.  BUT, patience is something I'm learning.  As this ordeal continues I see God's healing and mercy and love (when I look for it).  When I don't look for it, others find it for me and pass it on.  That's the best gift of all.


  1. Deb, I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this! I will continue to pray for God's healing, love and mercy for you. I know a little of what you're going through. It stinks to just be staying at home and not able to do the things you'd like. Love, Debbie Bryan

  2. Just keep on one day at a time. We are usually right where God wants us to be. I will continue to pray for you and your speedy recovery.

  3. God's mercy is something I thought about and prayed about at church on Sunday. It's one of those "go deep" things for me. It's so big that it's hard to understand how God can be so merciful yet so powerful in our lives. It gives me hope and assurance when I think about it in regards to my personal relationship to Him.