Ripples

 

It's time to update.  Much has happened since I last wrote on December 5.  I had an MRI of my back and a nerve conduction study on my right leg done by a neurologist--one more doctor to add to my growing list.  The MRI was a piece of cake--it was in an "open" MRI machine not the "coffin" that most of them once were.  It wasn't bad; I've had several so I knew what to expect.  They gave me headphones and asked  what kind of music I would like to listen to.  I asked for an "Oldies" station, however, with all the clanging and banging of the MRI machine I couldn't hear a thing (except the clanging and banging!).  That same week I saw a Gastroenterologist who said I will need another Colonoscopy (I had one about 5 years ago).  This is totally unrelated to the fall, but one more inconvenience!  We decided that I'd call the doctor when all this other stuff is taken of.  I had my mammogram this week.  Life just goes on in the midst of a crisis!  I also had another visit to my orthopedic surgeon and another X-ray of the right hip.  There was still no indication of healing to the hip.  I was told that insurance companies wouldn't authorize going back into surgery until 6 months of no healing had passed.  So the plan for the hip is to go back to the orthopedic surgeon in February for more X-rays and possibly CT scan of the hip.  My 6 month point will be March, 2012.  If nothing changes, we would go back into surgery the first part of March. One of the possibilities for the hip is to pack the area with bone from my pelvis which would get the bone growing.  He doesn't want to do a total replacement.  Sometimes I think that would be a good thing to do but it also seems like too much--too severe.

Now, back to the back. On my return visit to the neurologist to interpret the tests he walked into the exam room with his prescription pad in hand and delivered the news.  "The pain is definitely coming from your back.  It was damaged in the fall and a nerve is being pressed..." That's all I needed to hear.  I knew the rest.  Been there, done that.  As he handed me a prescription for a much stronger pain medication than I had been on, I couldn't help thinking that this couldn't be happening again!  The tears, the regret, the reality of it all was overwhelming.  I blamed myself for not recognizing it sooner and for not insisting that my back be thoroughly checked before I left the hospital.  The only reason I did not was that after Dave and I had told anyone who would listen that I had previous back surgery with complications, "they" (who? I can't remember) told me "they" checked it and it was OK.  Besides, when so much else was going on I didn't want to go looking for trouble so I didn't push for more info. I really felt no back pain after my fall.  The surgical pain and soft tissue injuries were so strong that they overshadowed any back or nerve pain.  Only when I started putting weight on my right leg in physical therapy did I start to notice the pain.  As Dave and I processed this new information we wondered if I would have been physically or mentally able to go into surgery again to repair the back right after having the surgeries on my leg.  We'll never know but this is real and will have to be dealt with. 

In light of this new information, let me just say that part of me is scared and very sad while still recognizing that God is teaching us things along the way.  My plans have been replaced with God's plans.  We had a  great Christmas with the kids.  Our activities were limited but we managed to go to a movie and out to dinner with the kids. That was so much fun. This was accomplished by using a wheelchair.  That in itself has a lot of meaning and God's hand behind it. 

Dave and his dad had polio in the mid 50's.  They survived but his dad lived the rest of his life in a wheelchair. This had a profound effect on the rest of the family as Dave, his brother, and mother along with extended family members had to help him do a lot of things. They would not have come through that without God and caring, loving family and friends Their ordeal was eventually used as a powerful testimony. Pushing his dad in the wheelchair was a big part of Dave's life.   Seeing me in the wheelchair conjured up a lot of old memories that we did not want to revive. 

I always think of the ripple effect when I think about our situation and how some things go through all the ripples and come right back to the beginning.  I'm not sure if I said that right, but thinking about the wheelchair brings back memories of the past for us. That series of events rippled through the whole Friesen family--not just the immediate family but extending through the whole tree of relatives and friends.  It immediately changed so many lives and continues even to the present time.  Thinking about how we react to using the wheelchair, it's come full circle and is joining a whole new series of ripples.

The ripples that my situation is causing seem to be turning into waves that are growing into a tsunami.  It's been 4 months now since I fell.  There have been many sacrifices such as our trip to Illinois to see my mom and old friends, our road trip to Oregon for Christmas and Christmas activities at church to name just a few.  I'm trying to counteract those huge waves by using some weapons of my own.  Denial continues to be a fairly effective way for me to  deal with things.  I can't deny that this happened but I can shut off worries about the future by just focusing on the here and now.  Some days that means just taking the next breath, other days I can think about the next step.  I just don't let myself get freaked out because if I did think too far ahead I wouldn't be able to drag myself out of bed.  I'm also trying to keep a positive attitude--as much as it sounds like a cliche, being positive is very important.  It's not an unrealistic attitude that discounts what I'm going through but rather acknowledging the pain while looking past the pain.  I do have much to be thankful for.  I could have sustained injuries much more severe than what I had.  I can see the caring and love from family and friends and am so appreciative of that.  The people who have helped me have done so because they wanted to and I am so thankful for that.  I have a husband who continually does things for me even though he has other things that need to be done, too.  It's been hard yet it has shown me once more the power of love. We have met our "for better or worse" moments and still keep going.


So as I continue to bob up and down on the waves I'll remember that I am being held up by many prayers and love.  Thanks to everyone who has prayed for us and kept in touch.  I know you are out there and that is very important. 

Deja Vu All Over Again!

Another orthopedic surgeon visit last week to address the unbearable pain I've been having in my leg for the past several weeks.  I always thought it was nerve pain because I know what that is from my back surgery 7 years ago.  The doctor agreed with me--finally.  So I'm waiting for more tests to determine if there was additional back injury from "The Fall".  It seems like it has taken on a life of its own by now and I'm just riding along trying to hang on.  I had felt pretty good about my back not being involved but now it seems we may have overlooked something.  The nerve pain didn't show up until I started physical therapy.

I feel like I'm back to the beginning because according to the latest X-ray  the hip is still not healing.  He said the injury was so traumatic that maybe it was damaged more than we thought--maybe it won't heal properly.  He explained what happened and the neck of the femur completely broke off from the rest of the bone.  That's why, after I fell I could feel a big bone under my skin in my abdomen.  That was part of my femur that was completely displaced.  The "ball" part of the joint was almost ripped away from the "socket".  So, all this has taken me right back to the patio where I fell, back to the "scene of the crime".

I still cringe whenever I re-live the fall, which is quite often.  It will probably still occasionally haunt me until I'm old and gray--wait a minute, I'm already old and gray!  Well, for a long time anyway.  That day I was brought to my knees and I've been there, figuratively speaking anyway, ever since.  I am humbled in many ways.  Having to use a walker makes me feel helpless.  I've got callouses and blisters on my hands so I got some cyclist's gloves.  That helps a bit but doesn't look too cool.  My pinkies are getting numb from the pressure on the nerve so I switch off between crutches and the walker.

The nerve pain is getting to be the main driving force in my life right now.  Everything revolves around it, especially how active I am.  Sitting for a while makes it so hard to get back up, but I do a lot of it!  I've started taking a pillow to church and sitting on the end of the pew so I can lean against it with my pillow and sit crooked so I can put my leg up (on the pew if vacant or on Dave's leg).  The good news is that I can bend my knee much more easily now so that helps me move better.

There's my groaning and moaning for now.  As I sat in church yesterday listening to and singing beautiful Christmas carols I came face to face with God.  I've been very pre-occupied with myself because of all the pain that is wrapped all around me.  People tell me they are praying for me and I love that.  I can feel that.  I just have a hard time praying for myself.  I don't know if it's because I don't think it will help or if I'm just afraid to go that deep.  I'm usually pretty superficial regarding my situation--one day at a time and all that.  I don't allow myself to go too far ahead because there are scary things up there.  Also, it seems like whenever I get into a medical situation like this it becomes a holy mess.  Holy, yes, because I know God is there and something good also comes from it.  Always good.  I  got into trouble when I was pregnant and had to deliver both children prematurely because of pre-eclampsia.  My back surgery seven years ago turned into three surgeries with nerve damage, disability and pain.  So it figures that I take an 8 foot flight and mess myself up AND get nerve pain and slow healing.  It's just my MO.  That sounds fatalistic I know, but it's what I think.  For whatever reason, things get complicated and I can't help but notice the similarities.

That's all to say that I'm afraid to examine this too closely.  I know that God is watching over me and that this ordeal will end someday and that I'll learn some amazing life lessons, but in the meantime, waiting is difficult.  No, waiting is almost impossible.  I want things to happen right away.  BUT, patience is something I'm learning.  As this ordeal continues I see God's healing and mercy and love (when I look for it).  When I don't look for it, others find it for me and pass it on.  That's the best gift of all.

The Friesen's House of Payne

I've never watched "Tyler Perry's House of Payne" and I don't think I need to.  I don't know who or what his "Payne" was but I have enough of it right here.  I don't need anyone else's.  Come to think of it though, they look like they're having fun, especially the little super girl holding up her end of the couch.  That was me when I was a kid.  Trying to hold up the rest of the family and make them happy because they seemed kind of unhappy a lot.  Family comedian and all that.  But, I digress.....

I'm really here to talk about my struggle with pain. I just re-read my November 7, 2011 post where I was also complaining about my pain.  Since then it got so bad that I went  back to the ortho surgeon.  They took X-rays and all the hardware is where he wants it to be--by the way, the rod goes down through the middle of my bone rather than sitting beside it, with a screw on the top holding it all in place.  My patella has completely fused back together and so I'm just continuing to bend it--slowly and with as much force as I can. I wonder what it will look like when the swelling goes down.  It's only 4/5 of it's original size.  I think I'm having "phantom itches" where they took out that stray piece of kneecap--weird)  The doctor even suggested that Dave push on the lower leg when I exercise.  That does not feel very nice.  I have noticed improvement though and now I'm past 90 degrees.  Doc said to go to 120 degrees and bring the knee to my chest.  Not there yet.

 

In addition to the knee discussion, my doctor also said to wait on PT for now becasue the increased activity may have aggravated my hip.  The bone has not completely healed and he's concerned about that.  In most patients it would have knit together very nicely by now, but it's being pokey--it should have knit a sweater but now but I'm stuck with just a scarf!  The pain apparently isn't "normal" for this stage of healing.  He said to go back to 50% weight bearing instead of 100% and rest the hip for a while to see what happens.  It's now 8 days later and there hasn't been an improvement.  I have been debating on what to do and have been talking about it to the Great Physician for a while and not getting a clear answer.

This morning I checked my email and got an answer.  Someone I know (older than me) has just returned home after surgery for a broken hip and is using a walker without pain.  "How could that be???" I asked myself.  "I'm almost 10 weeks post-op and can barely move my leg without pain!!!"  It didn't take me long to get my phone and put in a call to my doctor's office.  I'm waiting for a call back now. (They're one of the rare offices who does get back in a timely fashion--Yea!!)

Of course I'm second guessing (just a little) because I don't know what I'll tell them.  I just want to trouble shoot a bit.  My concern is that it may be related to the nerve involvement that I had with my back surgeries in 2004.  I haven't lost function in my leg like I did then but do have similar pain.  I just am trying to talk this out to see if it's logical and I think it is.  If this pain is still normal I will stick it out.  I can do that.  If not then it needs to get fixed.

The other day when I was praying I told God that I'm OK with everything that's happened to classify mysef as "handicapped".  I don't begrudge Him any of that and have made peace with it.  I will continue to use it as a way to get closer to Him and honor Him.  In fact, lots of good has come as a result, the most obvious one being the Assurance Support Group at church.  I did tell Him though that if at all possible, TAKE THE PAIN AWAY, please.  I've asked Him for guidance in contacting the doc and in handling the predicimant I find myself in right now. 

I'll get through this just fine, I know that without a doubt.  I always do.  It's just the here and now that is a bit unbearable.  In the meantime I broke the rules and called the dogs up on the bed with me and am Resting with a capital R!  If anyone reading this has a gift of prayer please remember this pathetic 58 year old momma.  It will come back to you in a good way; prayer for others is good for our souls!

Thank you for listening and reading.  I feel a bit better getting it all out in black and white.  Now I'll wait for the next move.

The Six Legged Beast Is In The Hosue

Note to Reader: I'm cleaning house in my blog. This is a draft I found that I had written 9/18/11.  It's out of place here but I'm publishing it anyway.

Our house is now completely quiet only interrupted by our killer dogs barking at a cat lurking in our yard.  It's a jungle out there, or at least you would think so hearing those beasts with their deadly barking and carrying on.  The combined weight of the dogs is less than 20 pounds so they're just showing off for me.  

One really strange thing has been their reactions to this new 6 legged creature in their house.  They're still a little scared of the walker.  When I first got home they acted really funny.  I think they thought I had died.  They were present at "the scene" and saw all the evidence of a traumatic event.  They greeted me timidly when I got home.  The first time I got up to walk with the walker with them present, I was in quite a bit of pain and was kind of vocally expressive.   They were standing on a chair dead still, eyes as big as saucers, heads cocked just blankly staring at me.  I wish I had taken a picture.  The love and concern on their faces melted my heart.  They've been so good around me--so careful not to step on the broken leg. We take lots of cuddly naps together.

A Prayer for You

Next Sunday morning my friend Susan and I are reciting the following passage (from memory!) at church.  We're in a sermon series on Ephesians and our pastor challenged us to learn the entire book.  We as a body are breaking it down and each learning a section...then we can all say we've memorized the book by proxy.  This is a prayer for the Ephesians but I consider it a prayer for me and a prayer for my children and friends and for anyone who needs prayer.  If you put a name in place of the bold words,  that's a personal prayer.  I find it a very meaningful way to pray.  It's helped me through some very trying "mommy moments".

Ephesians 3:14-21

New International Version (NIV)

A Prayer for the Ephesians

 ¹⁴ For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your heart(s) through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. ²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!       Amen.

Musings on Pain

I've been recuperating from my failed flight lesson for two months now.  It seems like two years.  It's really been a l-o-n-g ordeal.  But, on the other hand, all I have to do is look out my back patio door and see my landing pad and it all comes rushing in like it was yesterday.  There have been so many emotional ups and downs during this time.  Any little change feels like I'm making a lot of progress but when I start feeling like I'm going backwards I remember all the initial pain and get scared.  Will I always have pain?  I know the answer to this question all too well.  I was always in pain even before my body broke to bits.  But that was a dull, always present pain scattered around various places in my body.  The pain associated with my injuries now is very local and it stabs and burns and throbs.  I guess it's worse than my "regular" pain because my other aches and pains are taking a backseat.  Weird, but it's my body's way of coping.  It's a good thing because with everything shouting and yelling at me I wouldn't be able to get out of bed!  No kidding!

I find myself complaining a lot.  I moan and groan and holler sometimes.  I guess it's more than sometimes because while Dave and the dogs at first were very concerned and shaken by all the noise, they now they just continue going along, doing their own business and ignore it.  That's not to say they are without compassion, they're just used to it by now.  The worst pain is connected to my broken hip.  The rod placement down the side of my femur really is hurting.  I guess the point is to have the bone grow around it and make it all part of my anatomy.  The screws up top hold my femur to the hip joint.  Since I've been working with PT that area has really woken up and is not pleased.  It's really sensitive to touch (or the foot of an 8# pound puppy).  

But, the knee aches, too.  I'm supposed to be aggressive when I try to bend it.  I have gone from a 40 degree bend to an 82 degree bend in a couple of weeks so it is stretching but it is the strangest feeling.  I can feel the ligament over the patella stretch like a big rubber band (which is what it is, I guess) and then when it's gone as far as it can it just stops--frozen, done.  There are ways to stretch it further and by keeping up with exercises it becomes easier.  Did I just say "easier"?  That word never really belongs in a paragraph about physical therapy!  It becomes less annoyingly painful.  How's that?

My friends happily take me to therapy and I love staying in touch with them during that brief time.  It's good to get out of the house, too.  I really think that my therapers are marvelous and are helping me a lot.  They're the ones who I need right now.  I learn so much from each session and the environment is so friendly that we therapees learn from each other, too.

Also, even at this late date as I reflect on my injuries I'm still very thankful for them.  It could have been so much worse.  When I look at the scar on my left leg I remember that it came so close to the bone.  So much more damage could have happened to my foot and being my "good" foot, I need it at 100 percent!  My other injuries will heal and that right leg will be a bit more lame than before but I'll still be able to get around by myself.  That's important.  I'm not sure how the pain situation will level out but that's something that can be dealt with, too.  All in all, when I complain it's just the pain talking.  That's what I tell Dave when I snap at him but that doesn't really make him feel better.  I just want to be thankful for my spared life and for Dave's presence here and his willingness to do things for me that he'd rather not have to do.  We're getting to the age where it's hard enough taking care of ourselves.  As his Parkinson's Disease progresses we realize that someday I may be taking care of him.  We're trying to be brave and face those facts and prepare ourselves.  But in the meantime, we're going to be even more diligent in taking care of ourselves.